Mourning Posts

On the 4th of September my soul-mate and artistic partner, Marko van der Horst, took his own life. This is the first time that i have actually written those words. I will only say a few things about his death. No, i never saw it coming nor did anyone else and No, i don't know why.

Yes, of course, i was and, at times, still am consumed with a world of guilt. A million questions of 'what didn't i see?' and 'what could i have done?' or 'shouldn't have done' tortured me. Thankfully, i have been surrounded by very trust worthy friends who have the vision and wisdom to guide me through handling these feelings, otherwise i would have absolutely destroyed myself. The thing is, had he spoken to me, or any of his dear friends, and told us he was feeling so terribly, we would, of course, have done things differently, but he didn't. I didn't know. I had no idea. No one did. Of course, the guilt and the horror of this will rear it's ugly head and haunt me for the rest of my life but i try my best to keep it in a place that makes life manageable. It is, however, the fight of my liife to do so.

Marko was quite an amazing and unique character and there are countless stories that i and others could tell you about him but for now, i would like you to know these two things...

Firstly, Marko was the fun-loving, charming, witty fella who made everybody laugh. If Marko was along, everyone knew it was going to be one hell of a fun ride. He loved nothing more than to make people laugh. But, although he often stood out in a crowd and was ever-charming on stage, inside he was real bashful and was uneasy with the role. He was thus not unlike so many other artists who are so good at masking their worry with much frivolity that no one is aware of it's depth. Nor would he be the first to be so sensitive that he found his life's problems unbearable.

Further, as a partner and lover... Saying that he loved me isn't saying nearly enough. Marko van der Horst celebrated me. We truly had a rare love. Many remarked upon it. One of our names was rarely mentioned without the others. People admired our love. This all makes what i'm about to say next really really hard...

I think that one of the reasons that Marko couldn't tell me his problems is because he loved me so much that he just couldn't let me down.

With all this said, it doesn't give us any answers and even if we had some, they may not make us feel any better. There has been, however, a lot that has happened since Marko's death, that have given Marko back to us, so to speak. That last, impulsive decision of his life has nothing to do with the Marko that he let us know and thus i and his friends have been focusing on celebrating the incredible 45 years of his life before this. Doing so has given us a lot of healing. As tragic as Marko's death is, the most amazing, strange,  uncanny, almost spooky, sometimes even funny, often completely unbelievable things have happened since. It seemes like the heavens are screaming at us: 'You will never understand it, but it was so meant to be.' There are many, many a story to tell.After Markos death, it was most practical to communicate to everyone at once via Facebook. Although i used to cuss this site as a necessary evil, it has proven to be an amazing source of support for me, his family and loved ones. The empowerment i have gotten from sharing these stories combined with the support i have received from the readers is playing a large part in saving my life. Equally important, it has done a lot to give back to me, and all of us, the glory that was Marko van der Horst. Marko was a incredibly beautiful, giving, tender, charming man and he deserves that... he deserves to be remembered well.